Endings...

I am not good with accepting change.  Especially when it is the result of a relationship ending.  Whether I've lost someone because of moving or we grew apart or there was a death, I have learned that I don't deal with the loss very well.  I don't suppose anyone does.

Over the past few days I have had two important friendships end.  It has been a wave of emotion as I sift through the conversations, the laughter, the sadness, the closeness and try to understand why they needed to end.  I noticed, as I was sending a final message to one friend, that in the email I stated that in my mind we would always be friends.  And I ended the sentence with a series of periods......which usually means more to come (at least that's what I mean).  Then I went back and erased those dots and replaced them with a single period.  Signifying the end.

I know relationships end.  I've gone through enough endings where that point is firmly planted in my mind.  It doesn't mean I like it, but it means I have to accept it.  My dad died, my husband died, my close friend walked away.  Endings are rarely easy.  Goodbyes are so much harder than the first "nice to meet you".  Closure is a word that makes no sense to me.  I have never been able to close the door on anyone.  Especially someone with whom I share a story.  No matter where they've chosen to go or how they've chosen to leave, in my mind and in my heart we remain friends.....

One Day at a Time....

I used to hate the term "One Day at a Time."  To me it represented the inability to be excited about a future.  Why focus on the present day, when the whole exciting world was at your feet just waiting to be explored!

I get it now--I get what it means to live "One day at a time..."  It is truly all we have.  Ain't nothin' I can do about all the grief of the past and ain't nothin' I can do to make sure tomorrow, or next week or next year goes according to a specific plan.  But, boy do I get that in this moment I can choose to either get beat up by life or embrace it as a challenge and prepare myself to move forward.  Who knows...maybe tomorrow will be just as rotten as today--I really don't think so, but who knows?  Maybe tomorrow will be THE day that so many prayers are obviously and gloriously answered with a choir of angels to go with it!  I really don't think so--but who knows?  Today I am here.  Today I am with my kids.  Today I can be grateful and today I can take another step towards healing.  Today I can say "no more" to people who want to make me see things their way.  Today I can say "no more" to sadness about things said or done in the past.  Today I can say "no more" to being a victim of sadness.  I am not a victim.  I am not anything but God's splendid child who is perfect, upright, whole and free.

I started a fire in the firepit today--it's 98 degrees outside.  I'm burning parts of my past.  Perhaps it's a kind of cleansing...maybe I'm just too cheap to buy a good shredder.  The point is I'm here in "Today".  The past is gone, like fire to paper--it is gone with the blaze of heat and flame.  I am choosing today to face forward and move into the grace and goodness that is my children, my peaceful home, my daily gratitude for the good in my life.  One day at a time...sometimes just one minute at a time.